COPING WITH BLINDIES
A crash-into-and-fall-over course
ON THE STREET. When I am coming towards you, you should stand right in the middle of the pavement, blocking any kind of access to the road ahead. When I bump into you, your reaction should be to tut and give me a look suggesting I have just killed your offspring. Should I get too close to you on a pavement while I walk along, your reaction should be to maintain your normal walking position, and then do something resembling an Irish jig to avoid being hit with my cane. Street entertainment is a dying art, and there will be many around us who will appreciate the free show.
TIP: The absolute best place to stand and conduct public business with friends or relatives is just inside or outside of a shop doorway.DIRECTIONS. The best way to give me directions to somewhere is to point and say "It's over there". I will instinctively know in which direction you are pointing and head that way. To make a real impression, when my desired location is rather close, you can always give me a look of disbelief because I can't see it.
ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT. When I board a particularly crowded tube, train or bus, you should look me up and down, shoot a confused look at my cane, and then bury your head in your Metro/Evening Standard/Kindle/latest bestseller that you carry with you in the hope it will make you look intellectual. If I gather enough courage to ask for a seat - this is usually after I have fallen over at least twice - you should either crane your neck even further into your reading material, or shoot me another of those firstborn-murderer looks. I can't get enough of them.
TIP: The signs on the tube for seats meant for the disabled and less able to stand are a little joke from TfL. You are, of course, the most important person on the train.
TIP 2: When you are sitting on the aisle seat of a two-seat on a bus and the window seat is empty, when I ask to sit on the empty seat, you need only shift your knees fractionally to the side in order for me to manoeuvre past you. There is no need for you to move to the other seat.IN THE SUPERMARKET. When I am attempting to manoeuvre down an aisle of groceries, your immediate reaction should be to block the aisle with your trolley/basket/child, ideally while talking loudly on your mobile phone. This will cause me to fall over or bump into aforementioned trolley/basket/child, causing maximum inconvenience for all concerned.
IN A RESTAURANT. Particularly for a buffet, the best place to sit me is as far away from the buffet tables as possible. This will present me with a human obstacle course to work around, providing me with exercise opportunity, particularly when I have to balance a plate of food on the way back.
AT A TELEVISION/RADIO RECORDING. I will not need to see what's happening in front of me from a close distance and can happily be sat right at the back of an auditorium. This is especially true of radio recordings, because as the medium is audio, the participants will not make any facial expressions throughout the proceedings and I will not have missed anything. When I ask for assistance, you should ignore me or not pass the message on, so that when we go to be seated, I trip up over several people who rush in front of me. Having a bruised leg and limping for a week really keeps me on my toes! Audience members: by all means push past me when my assistance has been arranged. You have been queuing for longer, or you get a damp flange over one of the participants, and that of course gives you the God-given right to go first. It also gives you the right to make bitchy comments within my earshot about how you should go in first. I just love it!
CUSTOMER SERVICE. When serving me at a till, the best thing to do is carry out the transaction entirely silently. I do not need to know the final total to pay, as it's conveniently displayed on the tiny LED screens that face the fully-sighted customer. I will know instinctively how much my shopping totals, and magically give you the exact change. Moreover, when I say "Hello" and "Thank you" during our transaction, you should look around boredly or glance confusedly/piteously at my cane, depending on your mood.
YOUR CHILDREN. Children are such active little bundles of joy, aren't they, and are consequently always on the move. As a parent, it is your responsibility to make sure they get as much exercise as they can, and high streets, shopping centres and eateries are clearly the best place for this. Should I happen to walk into one of your offspring when they have run into my path, you should of course shout at me for getting in the way of your child and give me a look that suggests I'm worse than a paedophile.
TIP: The small fold-up scooter is very popular with children these days and, once again, shopping centres are the ideal place for them to be ridden. I'm at my best when my legs are bruised from having scooters ridden into them, so do keep that in mind.MY AGE. It's a well-known fact that nobody under the age of fifty-five is disabled because they are "too young" to be, and considering I look rather young for my age, this will obviously be even more confusing to you. In most situations, looking me up and down before continuing your trajectory with an expression of "no, she can't be" will be sufficient. I will then trip over you because I'm too young to be disabled and am therefore just clumsy.
YOUR COMMENTS IN PUBLIC. I adore being the centre of attention due to my cane, and your helpful, witty and incisive comments are an utter joy. Ranging from the simple "What's she holding that stick for?" (deeply philosophical in its simplicity), to "Come away, she's blind!" (Partial sight is exactly like being totally blind, and is also highly contagious). My using visual communication aids, such as my phone (for texts), in public, should also not go without comment. A wonderful witticism I heard once was "She's not blind! She can see that phone better than I could!" Everyone who carries a cane has exactly the same eye conditions and level of sight, and their sight will never be as bad as yours was that day when it was foggy and you'd had too much to drink the night before.
QUESTIONS ABOUT MY EYESIGHT. Eye conditions mean you have exactly the same level of sight every single day. Therefore, I just love being able to tell you exactly how far I can see in mind-numbing detail. Please feel free to ask me how far I can see, as this gives me the opportunity to wax lyrical about the minutest details of my eye problems. I have never had to do this before, so your questioning will be original, refreshing and not at all deeply personal.
I will now get off my bleedin' soapbox for the evening and resume the Crochet Project of Doom. Pip-pip.
